So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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