I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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