I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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