i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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