My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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