i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
