Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
