Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
