You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
