That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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