You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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