I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize