Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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