They should really pass out barf bags in church
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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