I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
