I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
