I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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