It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
