Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
