So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
