I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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