Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
