My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
