ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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