The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i drank out of a bidet.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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