if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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