I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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