note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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