My underwear smells like fireworks.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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