a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
