i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
