Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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