first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
