Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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