i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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