drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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