I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
