I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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