Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize