I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
