Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
