I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize