i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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