I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
