My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
