I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
