I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
