I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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