My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
