I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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