My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
