Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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