I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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