Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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