there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
