My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
