I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
