when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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