i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
