You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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