every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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