I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
