i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I deserve this hangover.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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