ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
