honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
