2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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