Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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