she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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